I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
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Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
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We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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