$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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