My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
