yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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