sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
