i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
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Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
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The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.