It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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