I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
