You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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