So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
