What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
