i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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