we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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