forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
