If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
