i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
