are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
