shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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