I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
