you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
