I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
