somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
