you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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