She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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