I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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