this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
