made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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