there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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