I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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