My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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