no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
