Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
