I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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