Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
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Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
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I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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