C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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