I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
