i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
