The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
