Screwed.edu
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
