shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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