She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
