last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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