You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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