Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
