My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
