Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
