She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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