ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
