im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
