he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
