Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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