her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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