I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
