It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
