2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
