he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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