I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
