Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
