yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
