Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
